The Lucky One.

Countless times have I been told that I'm the 'lucky one', the one who escaped all the constant reminders and memories... the truth is not so simple.

Thousands of miles away but I have by no means run away.
If anything, I feel the change stronger. So easy is it for them, even surrounded by old haunts, to numb them. So easily can they fall back into old pasts and senses of security, or to ignite old flames.

Instead of forgetting, I have found distance has strengthened my memory. New places challenge and exercise ones brain. So much are you remembering new names and faces, streets and shortcuts, language and culture, that your memory becomes as powerful as ever.

So, you find yourself not running away from your past but knowing it better... better perhaps than you did when it was your present.

I am coming to know myself more.
I don't have those old, familiar comforts to fall back upon. And it has been the very most beneficial thing.

It is natural to desire support and comfort when hurt. It is no bad thing that we readily turn to our friends, family and familiar things we love. But leave this all behind and all you have is yourself. You and all your threads and tatters so openly exposed.

And where else can you look? Who else can you turn to?

You can but watch... and so you do.
With nobody to help fix you, you witness the most incredible thing. Your own Self begins to heal you.

Your body, heart and mind all step in and start their healing process... And you watch and you feel each delicately painful stitch and mend within you.

With nobody to look to,
to offer you the ease of distraction, you come to know your Self more.


You see now that you are made to love. Your own Self is driven by it, by a sheer determination and desire to see you restored. In this realisation, you find release. The healing will by no means be painless but you feel control because the control belongs to your Self.
And you draw closer and ever trusting to your Self. You see him working away, feel her picking up those pieces, holding you together.

We all, in life, will experience such a healing process. But so often do we rely on external things to restore us, that we never witness the level of love our own Selves show us, or the extent to which our Selves will go to to make us whole. Consequently, we never recognise or come to know this loving, strong, driven Self within us.

But within you is a Self of such love. A Self that you can rely on and completely trust with your brokenness and hardships. This Self is your most loyal, kind and loving companion in life but a companion we often neglect to even acknowledge exists.

Distance draws you closer to your Self.
So, in a way, I am the 'lucky one' for I have made very good friends with the one companion whom I may always depend on for assurance, strength, faith and love. And close I shall always remain.

- Love from Bambi x

Twenty-Fifteen.

2015 has been a year of change. It has blessed and broken me, it has stumbled and uplifted me, it has transformed and humbled me.

Looking back at this year rather amazes me. I can honestly say that I will be entering 2016 feeling more 'myself' than ever before. Feeling more hopeful, excited, inspired and fulfilled than I have ever known.

...But at the same time, I cannot neglect to think back on the things that brought me to this place. The extent to which I lost myself, neglected and hurt myself to the point where I became destructive even to those I loved.

This beautiful article got me re-assessing this past year. I highly recommend you read it HERE. No. 3 had a particularly strong meaning for me:"Say goodbye to all the moments you were not so proud of; forget them and remember that you are a human being who is still learning how to live."

Many, I am sure, will tonight be looking back at a year with a few less than desireable memories. Regretful moments where we let ourselves and others down. I would imagine too, that many will see the start of this new year as a chance of escape from the past we're not so proud of, an opportunity to abandon the old you for someone different, someone better.

But there is no such thing as abandoning one's past, your past is the very thing that defines you. The only thing you can change is the way in which you perceive your past. We can change how we understand and accept our old selves. Through this we put reason and meaning to even our worst moments and give ourselves new hope.

Without understanding our own wrong-doings, how can we hope to prevent repeating them? As a human, you are capable of the greatest love but also, i'm afraid, of the utter most wrong. There will be times in your life where you will slip toward such darkness.

I know the most monstrous in me.
I've danced with my darkest shades, painted the very worst image of myself, the kind I never thought possible. I know how terrifying it is to know this inhabits you. I also know how much more terrifying it is to question it. To pull that thread and unravel yourself, to leave yourself exposed and vulnerable.

Who truly wants to know themselves as their own worst nightmare? To know the capacity that they have for inflicting such hurt? For what I did, I never thought it possible to experience full forgiveness within.

However hurtful, spiteful, inconsiderate, or out-right evil this wrong that you committed, it is only through your own forgiveness that you can change. If you feel that you cannot, then you are not understanding yourself and not accepting yourself.
 
To hurt oneself, and often, consequently hurt others, is but a clear sign of a person not knowing themself fully. No person who knows complete peace, contentment or acceptence inflicts hurt, for our actions in life are a reflection of our inner most being. Through experience do we learn what we do and do not want to see in our lives. It is by greater understanding and knowing and accepting and forgiving of our past that we can grow from it.

So strong was my desire to never know that piece of me again, that I soon realised I needed to know what it was, what caused it, in order to prevent it.

From this moment of realisation did my desire in life dramatically change, my perspective alter entirely. I now know myself to be that which I love and that which I hate, to be that which enhances others and that which cripples them, to be that which is growing and that which is lost.

With such new understanding of the reflections of myself that I am capable of showing, I can choose that which serves me best. It is such an encouragement to us all at this turning point of another year, that no bad thing has the power to hold you back. Your growth is in your own hands.

So I welcome this new year with such strength in assurance that it is indeed possible to inhabit the very best vision of myself I can imagine. Through forgiveness I can really be free... And I must say, I've never been more excited.

- Love from Bambi x

P.S. Please do read the ARTICLE, it's worth every minute of your time.