My Choice.

A darling and kindred soul gave me a gift one day, and though the gift was small, its meaning, relevance, sentiment and importance to me was not.

To describe her, she is my soul in another. I feel peace with her. A love and attachment like no other. She nourishes me every day to think of her, of our friendship, to remember that there is such purity and beauty and care existing in this world. That is what my relationship with her is.

寂. She chose this character for me.

A stamp from a vintage Chinese typewriter. Of all the characters to choose, this was it. I do not believe at that moment she knew exactly why she had decided this one out of so many... but she saw me in it... or it in me.

With her I feel that even without words, in our quiet moments together, our hearts are very much open. Freely flowing. Even our differing native tongues do not confuse the closeness our hearts share. She chose a character of her tongue that had value for me. On receiving it, I understood more of myself than I had been able to put into words previously. I had not, until this moment, realised how unhindered my heart had been at expressing itself. How unhindered hers had been to understand.

寂. Alone. Solitude. Lonely. Quiet.

No more than a year ago, each of these words were not my allies in life.

Indeed, these were all, to me, sources of deep discomfort and unrest. I was not a peaceful creature and my aloneness was my greatest fear.

My solitude, I had none.

My loneliness, a weakness.

Quiet moments I would avoid.

Distractions and ignorance were my broken armour in life.

Separating from the Christian faith, I have battled with the idea that I could be of any possible value, could possess any sense of worth, could amount to anything of any importance on my own. Born into sin, after all, born from the very start to love I was told I did not deserve, my first perspective of the world was one where I was unworthy. I was to learn that I could only ever feel fulfilled and completed by the grace of god alone.

There was in fact no such thing as ever being alone or finding solitude within myself since both would be acts of my abandoning god. By doing so only emptiness and damage would ensue.

Not all that long ago, I found that I could not live the lifestyle my family's faith demanded of me. I ran away from their god. But I found I had nowhere to go. Like the confused, scared child I was, I hid. I never found freedom.

Entering into moments of quietness was disaster for me. Turmoil within that I could not face. My reason for being alone, for my loneliness, was my punishment from god for my inability to honour my family's faith and for my decision to shut myself off. My alone was a prison. I had run but I still remained stuck within the structure of my upbringing. The structure I could not escape. The mindset shaped me. 

Though I found myself many wonderful distractions, I, in my deepest being, was caged. I lived a life where I continued to neglect myself, my needs were too great and my insecurities too violent.

So, as any creature, neglected, would do, I grew desperately unhappy.

By now, so locked away deep inside was my Self, that my doings, thoughts and feelings all became as a stranger's to me. In time, my destructive ways finally did their very worst and I hurt the person I had come to care for the very most. 

I had lost myself to the point where I was either faced with guaranteed and ultimate self destruction... or with, at last, real, deep and foundational change. This was to be, albeit gradual, the turning point where I stopped hiding and freed myself entirely. To remove the structure of my life that had defined and confined me. And though I was, at this time, my own very worst enemy... I realised that I was, at the same time, my only saviour.

It is as though darkness and light met that day within me. That day I found strength from within my brokenness... why? Because I stopped seeing myself as a hopeless sinner (this, I had in fact been hiding behind, pitying myself for) and saw myself as a young girl, like any other, with a lot to learn. A girl wanting to learn and who deserved to learn but needed support, understanding, love and forgiveness to do so.

That day I found that I had the power to provide these things for myself by myself. Things that had always been free. That day my family's god returned power over my life to its rightful owner, to me.

None of this was easy. It has taken a long time and many moments of doubt and of feeling terrified in order to reach a place in my life where my alone was to become my strength. Now, I, alone, form the foundation upon which I stand in my life. My loneliness has empowered, grounded, shaped and refined me. It is now my closest ally. Embracing my alone has given me an assuredness and stability like I have never known. In my solitude can I now rest and feel safe, knowing that there is nothing to fear from those quiet moments any longer. There is nothing to fear because I now know the person I am faced with when I am alone... not a stranger any longer but a friend.

I cherish the moments I can spend with myself, developing a bond ever greater and an understanding ever deeper.

I place this character on a finger which symbolises commitment, love, trust and intimacy. 

A reminder. Wherever my future loves may wander, whoever I might welcome into my intimate moments, my first love is to myself.

No one can ever be more deserving and needing of your love and commitment than you. This is the hardest love to establish, maintain and uphold, but from this love all your other loves grow. They are given strong roots to flourish from and a steadfast shelter to call home.

Thank you, Cathy, for feeling my heart the way that you do. Thank you for your friendship which never ceases to inspire and better me. This character, from your mother tongue, is to forever remind me of the self reflection and analysis your gift prompted. To remember this year living in your country, hearing your language, every lesson I have learnt, the person I am becoming. To remember the love we share that knows no bounds. To remember you. To remember my choice.

Love from Bambi x

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Photos by Ray Han.